You Dirty, Dirty Rat
by girl undone
Summary: Joker attempts to cheer up Commander Rachel Shepard after meeting her first visit to the Citadel since her 'undeath', not knowing that street rats are natural enemies of space hamsters. Hysteria and hilarity ensue. Rated for very strong language.


A/N: This story was partially inspired by a SLF post in the Mass Effect community about putting your custom Shepard through the myheritage (dot) com's celebrity facial recognition software. Apparently I failed miserably in making mine look like Cate Blanchett in 'Elizabeth'. I got Greta Garbo instead. Luckily, I'm a huge Pre-Code film fan, so I wasn't upset. This led me to thinking of Shepard as the Mata Hari (whose innocent has since been proven) and silly!fic took over.

Also, I hated that you couldn't help the quarian in the Citadel except to prove her innocence. I was sure you'd be able to give her credits! So I kind of 'fixed' Bioware's mistake. ;)

* * *

Commander Rachel Shepard was exhausted, irritated and starving, not necessarily in that order when she boarded the _Normandy_. The Citadel had been unreal. She was still trying to comprehend the fact that two entire years had passed in what felt like a few nightmarish weeks between the Battle of the Citadel and waking up in a Cerberus lab. As if it wasn't bad enough that she had to explain yet again that was she alive and well, she was also confronted with a rebuilt Citadel that made her feel as though she were walking into a surreal memory. The new, human-helmed Council refused to see her, although they had grudgingly reinstated her Spectre status. _The new Council hates me too. Just like old times. _How that had irked her! _Are Spectre statuses just revoked when you die? _So much for assuming it was on her redundant gravestone.

Then it happened that Captain- rather Councillor Anderson, a man she had always trusted and respected, had effectively hidden his head in the sand rather than challenge the Council, or that despicable Ambassador Udina, on the real threat of the Reapers. Apparently, her former mentor was content to let the galaxy believe she was unhinged. But worse still was that he made it crystal clear that he didn't trust her in the slightest anymore. He seemed to think she was an agent for Cerberus now. The sinking feeling of dread in her gut had turned into fruitless anger.

So, naturally, she spent creds. At first, it felt good to use The Illusive Man's budget to buy upgrades and weapons for her swiftly expanding crew and herself. However, every time her credit chit was swept, the vengeful thrill she sought lasted only a moment, then quickly deserted her, leaving her feeling hollow inside. She sold herself out exanimatedly to every store in order to get discounts, then felt guilty for lying to all seven stores she had shopped in.

She didn't feel guilty about giving that poor quarian girl a huge surge in her income via Humanity First Cerberus. Shepard was furious at the way the human C-Sec officer and volus treated the innocent girl like filth, especially after the Commander herself did the C-Sec officer's job and made it clear the volus was a xenophobic moron. _Eating nutrient paste in the turian shelter indeed! Not on my watch! Or Cerberus' credit chit._

Kasumi, keenly picking up on her Commander's discontent, had tried to interject good humour in the situation by teasing the Avina unit about Reapers and encouraging the Commander to try some sushi.

Shepard picked the raw fish off her rice and dabbed it into the green mustard called _wasubi_. She refused to eat raw fish, but didn't want to hurt Kasumi's feelings. It was a pity those krogans she tried to help find fresh fish were nowhere nearby or she would have passed it off to them. She had no appetite at the time and certainly not for sushi. The Commander was still fuming about being forced into an interview with the smarmy Khalisah Al-Jilani. At least, this time around, she got in a few words edgewise.

The neon lights of the Zakera ward were beginning to rub her raw nerves to sinewy strings that were about to snap. The sign _Palaven_ caught her eye and she keyed in some credits to Garrus' omni-tool. As it pinged, he looked to her, his newly marred face expressing surprise. She waved a hand tiredly at the sign. "Go get some real food. I have no idea if Gardner can actually cook anything edible with these supplies, much less anything dextro."

Garrus, who appeared as uncomfortable as she was about returning to the Citadel, shuffled his weight between one leg to the other awkwardly. "Shepard, it's fine. I've got-"

Shepard raked a hand through her hair in an irritated movement. "If I hear the words 'nutrient paste' one more time today, I will use my new assault rifle on someone. Is that understood?"

Kasumi looked up from her sushi in surprise. She had seen the Commander give orders in a calm, cool, collected tone and she had seen her be sarcastic to the point of biting. She had even seen her flirt with Donovan Hock, just to get his voice sample. But she never heard her so weary or on edge. Still, she remained silent. She had heard a lot of Shepard, but she hadn't know the woman herself for very long.

Garrus hesitated for a moment. Obviously Shepard was deeply upset over her meeting with Anderson, learning her stance, or lack thereof, with the Council, and having endured another interview with Westerlund News. One that would no doubt be edited to make her seem like the untrustworthy lunatic that the Council and Alliance had painted her as since her death and... _Undeath? Reappearance. Spirits know _I_ don't want to question her miraculous return_. Nor did he want to question her when she was this pissed off. Memories of the repeatedly smashed Mako and the dent she left in her locker on the original _Normandy _after being grounded by the former Council came to mind. "Well, uh, thanks Shepard." _Real smooth, Vakarian. Could you appear more awkward? _With the very real notion that he could, he said no more and headed off to find some food.

Shepard scrubbed her hands over her face. "I'm going to get some fish."

Kasumi perked up instantly. "Really, Shep? I'd try the salmon-"

"No, I mean live fish. If Cerberus paid for the aquarium, they might as well pay to fill it."

"Aquarium? There's an aquarium on the _Normandy_?" Kasumi sounded surprised there was something she didn't know about the ship.

Shepard smirked a bit, hearing the shock in her tone. "It's nice to know you didn't cloak yourself to get into my quarters, Kasumi. Cerberus obviously thought it would be soothing and calming if I had a huge, unstable element in my quarters."

Kasumi was silent for a moment, but she couldn't resist teasing slyly, "I think you want _another_ huge and unstable element in your quarters, Shep."

Shepard had mind enough to look give the thief a caustic look. "I have no idea what you mean," she retorted loftily and turned on her heels from the sushi stand to march toward _Citadel Souvenirs._

Kasumi smiled under her hood, picking up another tuna roll. "You guys are so cute," she said, now that the Commander and the new gunnery officer were well out of earshot.

* * *

"Hey Commander, there's a bunch of stuff waiting for you in your quarters. What'd you get me?" Joker grinned up to the tired looking Shepard from his pilot's seat as she trudged through the airlock behind Kasumi and Garrus.

Shepard leaned against the wall, not even making a grab for his cap. "Sorry Joker, they were limiting the issues of _Fornax_ to one copy per perverted pilot."

EDI began to chime in, "That is not true, Commander. One was del-"

"Shut down, EDI!" Shepard exclaimed.

"Logging you out, Shepard."

Joker's eyes grew wide. "Why, Commander, I never knew! You could have just asked me, your trusted friend and confidante-"

"_Jeff..."_ Shepard pushed off the wall, closing in on the pilot threateningly.

Joker held up his hands in surrender. "All right, all right! You had a bad day. Council being assholes again?"

She stopped advancing to resume her tired slump. "Cockblockers, more like it. They wouldn't even see me. Anderson's acting like a dick and Udina-"

"Commander, I don't mean to interrupt, but I don't think I can handle a comparison between Udina and any equipment I already own." Joker tried to look squeamish, but really he was concerned. Sure, the Commander could be ribald, but she looked so exhausted and there were still dossiers piled up, positions to be filled, colonies to protect. He hadn't said anything to her, but he still couldn't believe she was even _here_. He watched her die. He was, frankly, worried about her and it wasn't like she was going to talk to Yeoman Chambers. _Where'd she get her license, Jeff? _The Commander had laughed with him. _Over the University of Amaterasu's extranet site?_

Shepard let out a short, bitter laugh. "Right, I forgot. Your sensitive ears and innocent mind." She reached over to give his cap a tug. "I have to make sure the upgrades went to the lab and Gardner got his supplies. Maybe we'll have edible food tonight."

"Always the optimist, Commander!" He grinned at her for her sake, not missing her unhappy humour.

"Yeah, I know." She stretched and pushed herself away from the wall. "I'll let you get back to work."

"See ya, Commander," he replied, counting her steps until they faded away. "Hey, EDI?"

"Yes, Mr. Moreau?"

"Y'know the store that delivered the fish for the Commander?"

"Yes, Mr. Moreau."

"Can you open up a link with them? I want to place an order."

"Mr. Moreau, I do not think the Commander or Operative Lawson would approve-"

"It's not for me, EDI! It's for the Commander!"

"I still do not think-"

"EDI, c'mon, I'm not breaking any rules. I'm buying her a present!"

"Very well, Mr. Moreau. However, I am alerting Operative Lawson."

Joker waved his hand at the blue orb. "Yeah yeah, whatever."

* * *

After a conversation with Mordin about scale-itch that made Rachel Shepard want to lock the ship's entire crew in decontamination for hours, she leaned against the console, trying to figure how many upgrades she could push through with the resources they currently had in hold. _Mining. Why does it always have to be mining?_

With a yawn, she reached up to rub her neck, only to notice her omni-tool alerting her of the time. _I've been in here for three hours? _She was a bit obsessed with knowing what Zulu time was, well, all the time, and set her omni-tool to display it. She knew most people didn't bother, but she wasn't most people, as she was constantly being told.

She didn't want to sigh, lest she alert Mordin and he struck up a conversation with her. It was actually relaxing to be in the silence of the lab for three hours. When Mordin worked, he didn't talk. Though, to be honest, she didn't find his chatter annoying. She was just too tired to keep up right now.

"I'll let you get back to work, doctor," she murmured, hoping to escape conversation by heading through the doors to the CIC and straight to the elevator.

"You have new messages, Commander!" Kelly announced as Shepard successfully slid out of the labs and toward the lift.

Shepard didn't even pause as she hit the lift's call button. "Thanks, Yeoman Chambers. I'll check them in my quarters."

"You can call me Kelly, you know!" she called as Shepard hopped into the lift even as the doors were still opening.

Shepard held back a groan as she hit '3' on the console inside the lift. "Right. That'll be all."

"I'll talk with you later, Commander," came the still cheerful response.

Shepard leaned her head back against the lift's walls and closed her eyes. She had no idea why today felt more exhausting than picking up Jack on the _Purgatory_ or exterminating the vorcha in the plague zone before convincing Mordin to come along. _Make sure Gardner got the supplies, eat dinner, take a shower, fall asleep, pray you don't have another nightmare, pick up the krogan scientist tomorrow. Easy._

The ride seemed short, as though the usually slow lifts were mocking her; never giving her a chance to rest. Gardner was more than pleased with the new supplies and she politely tried his asari calamari gumbo recipe. _What is the galaxy's obsession with sea creatures? The krogan on the Citadel and their fish, Kasumi and her sushi, now Gardner and his squids. Can't a girl get a nice piece of steak around here? _Still she tried to smile when he pronounced her 'aces in his books'. She always liked that phrase.

She couldn't exactly say what compelled her toward the main battery. Talking to Joker had made her feel better, she reasoned. Another old friend would likely help. _Right. Keep telling yourself that._

But Garrus would barely look at her, insisting the guns needed to be calibrated. Well, she supposed, he was the one who had the specs for them. He must know best. Still, the entire exchange fell uneasy. _You should have never made that joke! Calling him ugly and then mocking his traditions by telling him to slap some face paint on it when he was shot in the face with a rocket? How the hell did you survive in the Reds again, you idiot? Oh, yeah, you were a charmer. Apparently they didn't resurrect _that_ part back._

Of course, the ride to her quarters took forever. The lift was definitely mocking her. She was itching to get out of her armour, but not quite enough to give the surveillance cameras a show. Finally, _finally_, she arrived in her large, if mostly bare quarters.

_Whose brilliant idea was all this? Model space ships, well, yeah, I get, but a holo of Kaidan? Couldn't they have asked me first? Maybe I wanted a painting instead!_ She shook her head at her desk and started unclasping her armour and storing it. Opting again not to wear anything with a Cerberus logo on it, she grabbed the coveralls with the inexplicable cut-out that displayed her back._ It's probably enticing Jacob to look at me like that all the time, but damned if I'll wear the uniform of an organisation that murdered my squad on Akuze for kicks. _With a sigh for the much-missed Alliance BDUs, she quickly wriggled out of her under armour and threw on the least offensive outfit. Cracking her neck and knuckles, she crossed the room to examine her new fish, swimming in ignorant bliss. _I'll probably kill them, but at least this thing has a use now. _She gave the tank a tap when she heard a squeak.

_What the..._

Her head whipped around at the noise coming from her desk area. No, not her desk area. Above it.

Her eyes narrowed. She did _not_ buy that and she knew who did.

* * *

Commander Shepard walked quietly into the mess. No one noticed at first. It wasn't a military ship and there was no protocol. The crew was merely happy to be eating something that didn't 'taste like ass' as she heard Hawthorne exclaim happily.

All the better for her motives. Like stalking prey, she slowly crossed the space until she was behind Joker. The rest of the table had gone silent as she dangled a metal cage with an innocently blinking space hamster in front of his face.

"Why was there a rat in my bedroom, Jeff?" she asked in calm, carefully careless voice.

A chill went down Joker's spine. The Commander could rant, rave, curse, threaten and swear without him turning a hair. But that voice... _that _voice was unreal. He heard that voice when she tried to talk someone out of killing her- usually right before they ended up with an incendiary round between the eyes. He looked at the crew, who stopped eating to watch the scene. He looked at the squad. Miranda was smirking, obviously unaware, despite her extensive work on Commander Shepard, of what that voice meant. Jacob, too, was still eating, though he looked curiously on at the display. Mordin seemed unperturbed as well. As long as it wasn't directed at him, Zaeed couldn't care less. Only Jack and Garrus stared at the Commander with the same wariness Joker felt. Jack heard that voice on the _Purgatory_ and Garrus knew it well from years before. It wasn't something one wanted directed at themselves.

Joker was almost certain the Commander wouldn't hit him, Vrolik's Syndrome or not. She just had a really bad day and was in a really bad mood. He could joke his way out of it. He knew it. Without knowing how brave he was at that moment, he looked up at the cage and then turned around, all smiles. "Aw, c'mon, Commander, it's a space hamster. I got it to cheer you up!"

"It's a _rat._ Do you know what I went through today?" Her calm voice started to raise. Joker already felt better. Yelling he could deal with. Even Garrus seemed relieved to hear the change in pitch. Jack leaned back in her chair. She'd been waiting for the Commander to stop being so nice and polite and snap. _This is gonna fucking rock._

Joker opened his mouth, but she cut him off. "I went to the Citadel- the _Citadel_- which, for all intents and purposes should still be a pile of flaming rubble, but is, in fact, nearly reconstructed because, oh, excuse me, I've been _DEAD FOR TWO YEARS_! And do you know what's happened in those two years, Jeff? I've apparently gone insane! And it's no wonder! The Alliance and Captain- Councillor- _ANDERSON_ act like I'm the goddamned Mata Hari and the fucking Council won't even see me! Did you know that when you die, you're Spectre status is revoked? Nice of them to tell me that! Then I try to placate some krogans about the lack of fish in the Presidum, but I'm just a goddamn human, right, so what do I know! The new C-Sec is as bad as the old, but I can tell you it felt damned good to give that quarian girl on her Pilgrimage a hunk of Cerberus credits." Miranda couldn't even begin to interrupt Shepard's tirade. "You can't get a fucking decent meal in the Zakera Ward; apparently it was," she made finger quotes, despite still holding the trembling space hamster's cage," 'the geth' and _NOT_ a Reaper named Sovereign that attacked the Citadel because, you know, I'm clearly as insane as the fucking Council and Alliance would have you believe, and just made up the Reapers for my own amusement. And all I want to do is get out of my armour and eat dinner, but _nooo_. G-d forbid I can do one thing easily! No! Instead, I find a goddamned dirty rat in my bedroom!"

She stopped, only because she needed to breathe.

Garrus was staring at his own meal, willing his still painful mandibles not to twitch. _Now _that's _Shepard._

Jacob forgot about his food and was staring at the Commander in awe. _Huh. She seemed so calm all this time. Women. But what a body..._

Jack was slowly clapping. "I knew you weren't a pussy when I agreed to come along for the ride."

Miranda had left her food to cross her arms, irritated by the display, "Exactly how many credits are we talking about here, Commander?"

Mordin muttered to himself, "Monthly hormonal behaviour? No. Military. Would have shots for that."

Kasumi offered sincerely, "You should have told me you didn't like sushi, Shep. We could have had something else."

Joker smiled broadly. "The Mata Hari, Commander? Aren't you being a _little_ dramatic? I mean, sure, I did tell you that looked like that old vid star, Greta Garbo, but I didn't think you'd let it go your head."

Zaeed spoke up between a mouthful of the gumbo, surprising the cultured Miranda, "Y'do look like 'er. Huh. 'Shepard' Speaks! I get it."

Commander Shepard wanted to sink into the floor. She felt the flush of mortification, despite the fact there was no blush on her cheeks. The absurdity of the situation struck her with full force. There was nothing to do but mock herself. Still holding the cage in one hand, she struck a languid pose, flinging her free hand across her forehead and moaned in a surprisingly good impression of the long dead Swedish actress, "I vant to be alone!"

Miranda shook her head and resumed her meal. "Juvenile," she said to Jacob. He was still watching the Commander, but his eyes were most decidedly not on the space hamster or her hidden face. Zaeed gave the ex-Corsair a nudge and a wink, which prompted him to drop his gaze to his food, but not before he saw that turian glaring at him. Kasumi saw the exchange of heated looks between Jacob and Garrus and explained, for both their benefit, "Greta Garbo was a very famous vid star in the early 20th century. We should have a vid night! All her classics!" Garrus seemed very inclined to this idea; Jacob glowered at him. Kasumi went on, still addressing the two vying males, "She had a brief, shining career, then hid herself in obscurity." She turned to look up from under her hood at Shepard, who seemed about to intervene between the glaring males of different species. "Do you plan to do the same, Shep?"

Mordin and Joker both began to speak, but Shepard cut them off, sliding into a chair next to the helmsman. She considered the cage for a moment before deciding she definitely couldn't place it on the table and didn't want to place it on her lap. "If the Reapers have their way, we'll all be obliterated and I won't have to worry about my career." The room fell silent at this heavy thought. "But," she continued, forcing her voice to be light, "I have to name this rat before that happens. He can't die without a name, even if he is a rodent."

"Space hamster, Commander!" Joker complained.

With a smile, Shepard placed the cage on Joker's lap. She was rewarded with a yelp, then an exasperated groan from the pilot as she snatched off his cap, firmly settling it on her own head. "Chaucer."

Kasumi giggled under her hood. "Have you been reading my books, Shep?" Miranda looked annoyed, but the rest of the table shrugged at each other. Except Zaeed, who surprised Miranda again. "I always liked 'The Miller's Tale'."

Shepard burst out into genuine laughter. "'A lady hath no beard!'" she cried out in a British accent.

"Impressive," Mordin commented. "Could have been an actress."

"But what does it mean?" demanded Garrus, desirous to know what made Shepard laugh like that.

She grinned at Mordin, "Thanks. But you ought to ask Massani why he likes that one so much." She turned an impish smile to Garrus as she deflected his question, "Ask Lawson."

The female Cerberus operative nearly choked on her calamari, but Garrus shook his head at Shepard. "I'll get it out of you later." He was rewarded with another laugh from Shepard and an evil glare from Jacob.

Zaeed replied easily, taking another mouthful of food. "Everyone shags everyone. Whass not t'like?"

Shepard continued to laugh as Jack and Joker opened their mouths with the word 'porn' on their lips, "They're not pornography! They're just bawdy. _Geoffrey_ Chaucer was the first prolific writer of the English language. Or, rather Middle English. He's considered the father of English literature."

Joker pretended to be insulted, holding onto the cage in his lap protectively. "You're naming this poor thing after an ancient dirty old man? That's just wrong, Commander. At least name him after the publishers of _Fornax._"

Commander Rachel Shepard, still laughing, plunked Joker's cap back on his head. "I'm naming the rodent after _you_, you dirty rat."

Joker let go of the cage to adjust his cap and beamed back to her. His mission of the day was accomplished: Shepard Laughs.


End file.
